Dear Chris,
Since you do not care to explain further, and all I get for my priceless film is this stupid story, then I'm going to tell it. Understand that I would much rather have my film returned, but you seem to be acting way too stubborn.
Try not to take it too personal. After all these years, you're not even a real person to me.
You're the concept of all that is bad. Kinda like the chunks of evil in "Time Bandits". Anytime someone tries to fuck me over, I think to myself "he's pulling a Chris LaMont".
Happy holidays,
~Mr. Tims