I had known Chris LaMont for over five years when he came to me crying and begged me to allow him to "help" me catalog my priceless and irreplaceable historic film collection. "Everyone thinks I'm a pussy" he said, "please give me the opportunity to prove that I can be trusted and that I can act like a professional. It would be a great honor for me to show you how much I appreciate you as a friend and everything that you've done for me and my family. Just do this one thing for me and I'll never ask you for anything again and we can get back to work on our film." Of course, it turned out that he is an even bigger pussy that I could've possibly imagined. I gave him the opportunity and he fucked me. He showed how much he appreciated all I did for him alright, ...zero. Not only that but he then sabotaged the film I was producing, insulted my family, and spit in my face. Then he proceeded to run away and hide from me for decades. WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHEY-PUSSY!

1. Terms of the agreement are unbreakable and supersede all other agreements and laws.
2. Reason for [Mr. Tims] allowing Mr. LaMont to take posession of property is for him to count and catalog the individual frames of the collection and record which scenes they belong to.
3. Term that Mr. LaMont is to have posession of [Mr. Tims'] film collection is for ONE DAY.
4. It is agreed the penalty for not returning [Mr. Tims'] film collection after the agreed upon term of ONE DAY shall be the sum of ten American dollars ($10) per day in perpetuity until the entire collection is returned or the full purchase price is paid including all interest and fees.
5. Duration of the agreement is forever or one thousand years, and will be applied to next of kin and all future generations.
6. Agreement is entered into freely and voluntarily and without coersion of any sort.
7. It is agreed that said property belongs to [Victor Tims] and will continue to be so unless decided by him at his own discretion to be otherwise.
8. Under no circumstances will [Mr. Tims] property not be returned by Mr. LaMont..
9. Under no circumstances will [Mr. Tims] property ever become the property of Mr. LaMont without the expressed written affirmation of such from [Mr. Tims].
10. Purchase price of said property is at the sole discretion of [Mr. Tims] and is currently set at one million American dollars (non-negotiable).
11. If the property is not returned FOR ANY REASON, Christopher E. LaMont will be liable for the full purchase price, pluse interest compounded and an annual rate of 5% until such time as the entire debt has been settled.
12. If the property is not returned in it's entirety and undamaged to the satisfaction of [Mr. Tims], then Mr. LaMont will be liable for the entire sales amout plus interest plus applicable late fees and agreed upon penalties.
13. It is the sole responsibility of Mr. LaMont and Mr. LaMont agrees to take full responsibility for the return of [Mr. Tims] property, and as such [Mr. Tims] will not have to take any effort to recover his property including even asking for his property to be returned.
14. Should [Mr. Tims] have to take any steps or make any effort to recover his property, Mr. LaMont agrees to pay for all recovery costs including, search fees, recovery fees, advertisements, media fees, legal fees, television advertising, special consultants, medical fees, rewards, finder's fees, and any and all costs and fees to be determined by [Mr. Tims] at his sole discretion.
15. Collateral provided by Christopher LaMont is to include all property both tangible and intellectual that he owns, has ever owned, and will ever own. Any attempt to sell or transfer ownership of any property from this date forward until such time as all property is returned to [Mr. Victor Tims] and when all debts are settled as described above, are to be therefore considered breach of contract and punishable to the maximum extent of the law. In addition, an additional penalty of one-hundred thousand dollars ($100,000.00) will be assesed for each instance.
16. Additional collateral is to be provided by including additional full-rights as described above for a wife should Chris LaMont ever decide to get married. In this case, Mr. LaMont is legally obligated to inform his fiance' with sufficient advanced notice that she will be granting all rights to her person to [Mr. Tims] in lieu of any unsettled debts arising from this unbreakable legal contract. Should Mr. LaMont fail to inform his wife before marriage and she later contends this contract, that contention is solely between her and Mr. LaMont and should be resolved in a civil court. Regardless, this item remains 100% enforceable under the condition that she has taken his last name upon marriage.
17. More additional collateral is to be provided in the form of all rights to the souls and bodies of Mr. LaMont's first born TWO children. This clause is to ensure that Mr. LaMont does not undertake the responsibility and expense of dependents if he is not mature and trustworthy enough to return [Mr. Tims] priceless and irreplaceable historic film collection.
18. It is also agreed that in addition to all property of Chris LaMont and his immediate family, to include his wife if he gets married and first two children whether he gets married or not, that a minimum of half of each of their respective incomes is to be paid directly to [Mr. Tims] as reparations for and damage to or debts incurred regarding his film collection.
19. No excuses will be made or excepted under any circumstances.
20. Should Christopher LaMont try anything "funny" in an attempt to illegally obtain rights or posession of [Victor Tims] priceless and irreplaceable historic film collection, then all agreed upon prices, fees, debts, etc. shall be automatically doubled and referred to as "asshole" tax. In this case, Mr. LaMont is legally obligated to officially change his name to "Tiny-Dick LaMont" and henceforth be referred to under that name in all legal and social encounters.
21. [Mr. Tims] hereby swears that if Christopher LaMont refuses to return his property (regardless of the reason), that he will chase or persue Mr. LaMont for as long as it takes or for the rest of his life and tell as many people that he possible can that Christopher LaMont is a lying, conniving, piece of shit human being, who steals from his friends, is a two-faced scum-sucking, cock-licking, ball gurgling, dickless shitbag that can not be trusted even when swearing to an agreement such as this in blood to his only friend who has been good and loyal and who has protected him and raised money to save his sister's life. Furthermore he should burn in hell for eternity for swearing this promise on the Holy Bible in the name of God.
22. This unbreakable oath and agreement is hereby signed in blood and recorder in the Holy Bible on this fourth day of May, 1982 between [Victor Tims] and Christopher LaMont.

So basically as you can see, Chris LaMont owes me his life and everything that he and his family has. In fact, he has proven himself to be such a piece of shit that he should just return my property, give me whatever he has, then put a bullet in his own fucking head.