Dear Christopher E. LaMont,

I was very relieved to hear that I had not done something or said anything to offend you to the point that you would rip-off one of your only friends.

If there was something I did or said, I wish you would tell me because I'm at a complete loss.

There we were, growing up and making movies, then you just disappeared with my film collection and stopped returning my calls (avoiding me in person, and running away when I tried to talk to you). All I have ever tried to tell you is that I want my property returned (as if you didn't know).

As a matter of fact, I'm hard pressed to think of anything that I could have done, that would warrant the non-return of my film collection. If I owed you for anything, I would've paid you (because I have honor) and it would NEVER have a thing to do with my personal property that you "borrowed".

I'm not sure how you figure we "drifted away" when I've been relentlessly trying to get the film I loaned

Without the return of my property, your story is just a big bag of crap, ...and if you don't have any other reason for why you did it (other than utter greed). If it's true that you're just a lying, greedy, son-of-a-bitch, then I don't think you're qualified to run a film screening, festival, seminar, or anything else when you're asking young people to "borrow" their films.

I'm glad that you don't have anything to hide and you say you're willing to take a lie detector test. It would be nice for you to prove to me that you are just a complete idiot for losing my things, and not the asshole I think you are for stealing it and running like a chicken-shit.

So, come on out for the test at your convenience. There will only be one question, "Is anything mentioned herein untrue?". I will pay for your flight, I'll pay for the test, I'll even buy you lunch.  ...uh hello? Are you coming? Too busy? No time? That's what I thought you cowardly scumbag.

You muttered some other crap that I would be interested to hear more about. You said that "if I cared about my film, I should've gotten it back long ago". I agree with that. I care very much about my film and I SHOULD HAVE gotten it back long ago. So what's your point? Why did you not return it? "I drifted away"? Sure, but not before you had a million opportunities to return it. You still have the opportunity to return it. I rented my parents old house for two years and have always been listed in the phone book.

You also said that my film "never belonged to me" and that it belonged to "the studio". What the fuck does that mean?? Are you trying to imply that I obtained my collectable movie memorabilia by some unlawful means (as you did)? That is a bunch of crap too, and I don't appreciate you making shit like that up. If there was ever a question about my legal right to my property, it could be handled in a court of law (or on the internet). My film was legally given to me as a gift, and I have a legal right to it.

You on the other hand, "borrowed" it from me and swore to return it to me. You have no right to keep my property. You are a thief. Am I wrong? Do you consider yourself to be some kind of Christopher-Robin Hood? Do you have a secret contract with a big film studio to go retrieve stuff they had once owned? What do you do, ...steal from the poor and give to the greedy? Real hero.

Have you "found" my film yet? Still have no idea what film I'm referring to? Have you read these pages? Perhaps I need to explain further, ...keep reading.

What did you mean when you said that my film "is gone"? Where did it go? You made it disappear, so make it reappear. How does something like that happen? If my personal property that I entrusted to you, and you swore to protect and return, is "just gone" then an equivalent amount of your money or property needs to appear to replace it. Comprendo amigo?

The way it does not work is, you get my stuff and I get nothing! Are you stupid, you fucking asshole? That's my childrens' college money. "Chris LaMont steals college money from little babies" ...how does that sound? Is that who you are?

Understand that I don't really think you're a complete idiot. Hence, I believe that you know exactly where my film collection is (look in your closet). But if indeed you're just stupid and "lost" my film, then I want to know what happened to it. What was our friendship worth to you? Some comic books? ...a car? ...a blowjob? ...what?

If you traded my film collection for some comic books, then they're really my comic books. See my point? If you got a car, then at the very least you owe me a car, and if you got a blowjob, then you owe me a (I think you know what to do).

If you used my child's birthright to finance one of your films, then it's really my film and you had no right to use it on anything so stupid. What did you do? The Phoenix Film Festival was founded with money stolen from me by Chris LaMont? Whatever it is, I have I right to know. Or, you can just return my film.

Regards,

...whatever, just return my property and then go fuck off or whatever it is you do.