Dear Chris,

Do you want to know why this is such a big deal to me? Well, I want to know why it's such a big deal to you. I mean, after all it's my film, you're caring about something that's not even yours. It's as if I would care who fucks your wife. Why would I care? She's not my wife. That's the same thing as my film not being yours.

I appreciate your taking good care of it for me and not letting anyone else have it (including me), AND I don't really care why you haven't returned it. Tell youself whatever you want, "we drifted away" or "you never had it" or whatever, ...just see that I get it back! Are you stupid? Why don't you just give it back to me? You don't have to be a scumbag your whole life.

First of all, as long as you're going to maintain that "you never had it" then I'm going to say that's the biggest crock-of-shit I've ever heard. If you weren't such a chicken-shit, I'd tell that to your face. So when you want to stop being a loser, you can return my "missing" property and we can discuss how you're going to pay the late fees.

If you don't have insurance to cover the loss of my million dollar film collection, we can still possibly work something out. But for now, just be aware that it's not going to ever go away and you owe me more for every day that goes by without the return of my film.

Let's just say that I give you a special rate on borrowing my collection (since we were best friends), ...let's call it $10 per day. It has now been 7,300 days past the time we agreed that my film would be back in my posession. So far you owe me $73,000.00 JUST IN PAST DUE RENTAL FEES. So quit being a little bitch. I guess your lucky I never thought I wouldn't get my film returned. Otherwise, I may have had it reported it stolen (instead of considering it "missing") and the party responsible would have been arrested for GRAND THEFT and thrown in jail for at least three years and then maintain a felony record. That's another huge favor I've done for you. If you could earn $10,000 per year, I saved you another $30,000.00.

So, in lieu of the fact that you are in debt to me for at least $1,103,000.00 (currently), I insist that you account for the whereabouts of my film so I may pursue it's retrieval.

Warmest regards,

V. Tims